What do I want?

Deciding what I want is not as easy as it sounds. For me, as a primary care giver, I spend all my time tending to others’ needs and wants and it’s hard to think of myself. Plus I was taught not to be selfish and when I thought of myself first I was told I was selfish. it’s hard to go beyond that training. When we go back to that training, it can be difficult to get out of it. First, I have to decide its ok to have what I want. Then I have to decide what i want. This can be difficult for me because I have to figure out how am I going to get it and that can be challenging. So you can see how my thoughts can spiral. When my thoughts begin to spiral, there is one thing that works for me-breathe. A good exercise is inhale slowly through the nose and exhale through the mouth. I do this until I can focus on one thing at a time.

First, do I deserve it or is it ok for me to have it? The answer is always yes, with (what i call) attachments. These attachments can be time based. This means,I can have it, but not now. Welcome to being adult. Second, when can I have it? This means I get to prepare for it. sometimes that preparation is emotional. I get to live in joyful anticipation of the time I get it. This is infinitely better that grumbling about not getting what I want. Sometimes it means I have to do something before I can get it. I might have to finish my work before I can get it. If I finish my work, I feel infinitely better about deserving what I want than if I don’t. Now this, of course, ┬ádepends on the importance of my work. If I place too high of import on my work, I may never get what I want.

But I started trying to decide what I want. Let’s go back to breathing. It’s important to know what makes me happy. What do I want right now? What would make me happy? Sometimes it’s little like, 15 minutes with no interruptions but it could be I just need a weekend away from my responsibilities. That’s a bit bigger and needs more pre-planning. As a primary care giver of two children, I need to make sure their needs are met ┬ábefore I can attend to mine. Sometimes I need to be creative and patient to make this happen but it’s not impossible.

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